Social Media is slowly encompassing every Ugandan. It is normal to find a herdsman deep in Karamoja saving to purchase a smartphone so that he can also join Facebook and have the feeling of the global village.
Among the elite however, social media has become a source of sex partners and casual hook ups. These elite (mostly university students and the corporate class) have had so much sex that sometimes you log onto a social media site, say Twitter, and immediately smell sex going on.
Just a random reply to a tweet, can have you flirting with your target, consequently sliding into their DMs (Direct Messages/Inbox) and ultimately have you measuring the size of their sumbi or cassava.
Our snoops, concerned by the growing sexual network, most of which has seen exchange of STDs and other diseases, have embarked on an unveiling search to expose the network of sex going on in our social media circles.
Their findings have brought forward the most notorious sex pests and booty calls on social media platform, Twitter. At a later time, we shall expose Facebook and Instagram in that order. The latter even has strings of commercial sex workers who open their juicy brown thighs for over 5M a session.
This brown skinned city journalist pushes out sexual content hour in hour out and we first thought it was just for clout. Well, she means business. Our snoops have learned that in as much as she plays hard and says that her DMs are out of bounds, this chic that oozes sex appeal lives for men that DM her with sex intentions. As long as they have money to support their horny intentions. “She ignored 5 messages from me, I think because I looked like a joker to her. But it was not the same for a certain politician who told me that he ate the ka girl – for him, things were easy because she was sure he had money. He took her to an upcountry lodge and crucified her, I have all the evidence” a Ugandan social media user told our snoops in their search.
2. President Saleh
“For all your horn demands, what you need to bonk any girl you need on social media is some ka money,” Saleh himself told our snoops. This half Muganda half Munyarwanda has bonked every living creature on Twitter that he has approached. His magic touch is “money.” Some of his culprits have moved on to settle and start marriages but as they go, he grabs fresh younger prey to be feasting on. His dream is to be President of Uganda and if he gets a vote for every girl he has surveyed between the legs, he will most definitely win by a landslide.
3. Stan aka The Uncut
This one is mostly known for his Beast Mode antics where he unleashes his uncircumcised manhood on unsuspecting prey that think he has money. A medical student at Makerere University, Stan has built a fuckboy reputation on Twitter after he was engaged in activities of setting up bu girls to bonk with his former lover (Sandra) after lending them fake promises of giving them iPhones and related accessories. Stan, whom our snoops have learnt is broker than a church mouse, understood that the only way he could get to eat Twitter girls was by lying to them that he is rich and it worked out. In total, he has bonked over 25 girls from Twitter in a space of one year.
4. Successor Sunny
On her hunt for money, this one has been used and dumped multiple times. She is the definition of it always ends in tears and for her it actually always does. Ka bambi, she always gets attached whenever the Twitter fuck boys that she takes herself to clap her walls satisfyingly. When they seek to move on, she breaks down and reveals or rather washes her dirty linen in public. Her relationships have ended in tears 4 times now.
5. Sandra, the Man Eater
Our survey cannot have meaning without this one. If you are new to social media, she had a hashtag in memory of her activities running for over a week on Twitter. Sandra, who announced that she is getting married very soon, has been in the business of faking pregnancies and fleecing young unsuspecting boys of their hard earned monies until she finally decided to settle down or rather, made us believe. Before she hooked up this Hajji whom we understand she met on Twitter, Sandra had been involved with over twenty twitter boys including one who was made to pay upkeep for over a year on allegation that she had conceived his baby.
Honorable Mentions: Eddie Pages and the Cleaning Entrepreneur.